Nikki

It's been a while since I have updated this silly thing. I just havent had much time this quarter to do much of anything. I've been working on projects, presentations and events up the ying yang.

I've been pretty stressed with school, family and money lately. Im into my major but I barely got into the classes I wanted to. Im re-taking a class I got a D in last year. Oh joy. My group for my math project completely fucked up the last project. I gave them the answers and told them how to write the paper...and what did they do? They put DIFFERENT answers and wrote the paper completely wrong. I asked them why they did that and they said they thought my answers were wrong. First of all, fuck off. Second of all, I was right and if it ever happens again, I'll be complaining to the professor that YOU all ruined my grade. I had a B and the 67/100 lowered my grade to a C+. Ive gotten A's on all my projects before that...and A's on the last 2 exams...and a C+ the first exam...so that damn 67 brought my grade down to a C. BOO. I hate you all.

I've actually been fairly unhappy the past couple days, and I've been having trouble figuring out why. But I think I've got it figured out. I think for the past couple months, I've been pretending to be someone Im not, just so I can make other people happy. Im not the kind of person that can go out and get shit faced every weekend. Thats not me, and it never has been. And I don't want it ever to be. Im looking forward to my 21st bday...but I'd rather not get completely trashed. With the group of friends I have right now, I don't think I really have a choice in the matter. Haha. I already told Jimmy that he's my designated drinker. So if I get to a point where Im perfectly drunk...I'll take a sip and hand the rest of the drink over to him. I've also had a cold/sickness for the past couple months, so that's taken a lot out of me.

Im ready for the qrt to be over though. Im REALLY looking forward to Spring break and Spring quarter. Me, David and the twins are taking the softball class. I've already taken it, but I want to take it again. Im pretty stoked. Then camp is in May and I got selected to be a camp counselor. The interview was really nerve racking...but I love it...it was awesome.

Well, tonight is going to be pretty chill. At least I hope so. Jimmy said he is making dinner for me, which Im definetly looking forward to. Apparently he's making spare ribs. YUM! Hooray...Im excited. I've been sober Sally for the week...and I plan on keeping it that way for a while. I've just been doing it way too much and I need to concentrate more on my classes...and get more sleep. I don't get to sleep till 1 or later almost every night. Freaking Jimmy is more of a night owl than I am...ugh. And I have a 7:30am class too! Ewwww...

Anywho. Im going to clean and do some homework....Im gunna try and keep this updated.

ps- my brothers wife is having a baby girl!...Sydney Kaylynn...she's already 3lbs...and the due date is May 14th. YAY!!!!

Past-

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. Basically, about him. I feel really bad for what I did, and I know I should have just kept my mouth shut. In no way do I ever want to be with him again, or even see him again for that matter, there isn't a day that goes by that I don't think about him. The letter he wrote to me was mean and was intended to be hurtful...but I really wasn't hurt by it at all. I think it was because I already knew I deserved what he had said to me. I also know that some of what he said was true. But I think a main reason why it didn't hurt so much was because I had already been hurting for over 10 months... and for some reason I felt a weird sense of "justification". Yes, what I did was vindictive. And yes, I feel bad. But for some reason I felt better. Maybe it was because I knew it was all over. Maybe he was right though. Maybe I am too insecure about myself to stay single? I don't really know. I LIKE being in a relationship more than I like being single. I don't know why...I've always been like that. Being single doesn't make me uncomfortable...I just like relationships. I don't know if thats me being insecure...who knows. For some reason I've been having a hard time deleting his screen name from my buddy list. I know I won't talk to him...but I guess it's my way of seeing how he's doing. In a weird, round-about sense. I'll delete him...and then think about it, and add him again. What the fuck. Why can't I just delete him? Having his screen name is pretty pointless anyways since Im not going to initiate any speaking...because Im pretty sure I'd just get a "fuck off and die" kind of responce. Once again...warranted...but nothing I wanna hear. Oh well...life goes on...

Current

Things are absolutely fucking NUTS right now. No joke. I am SO busy with everything that I hardly find time for myself. Which is why LJ is nice right now...I can gather my thoughts and write them down before Im on to my next "task". My RT fundamentals class is killing me right now. I was appointed chairman for Winterfest and it's SO much more work than I had anticipated. Because I've got that class, 4 other classes, homework, intramurals and boyfriend. It's tough to juggle it all. Not to mention I have 2 TDA's due in less than 3 weeks. PAIN...IN...THE...BUTT! I do like life right now though. Things with Jimmy are going well. He's wanting to move a bit faster than I want...but I'll explain that in my "future" portion. He's great though. The other night he took me to dinner at the Ellensburg Inn (which is EXCELLENT, by the way) and we know the bartender, so we got free drinks. I had a Heff...and a Long Island Iced Tea. Not bad! It was pretty dang delicious. The iced tea was pretty strong though. Thats alright. I went to Kyle's later that night (without Jimmy) to play beer pong. But then Jimmy decided to meet up with me later. Kinda weird, but thats alright. Now I just have a TON of homework to do before the first, plan everything for winterfest and get my life figured out. Easy, right? HA!

Future

So....Jimmy kind of scared the shit out of me the other night. Actually, I think it was last night. He asked me if I could ever see myself living with him. And he asked if I ever would. I nicely told him that I like where I live right now and all that stuff. And then he started going into what he wants to do in the future with his work and schooling. He wants to get his masters for Athletic Training...and he'd go to school in Cali or Arizona. And he asked me if I would go with him. Uhm...who knows if we'll even be together by then!!! Holy crap. We've been dating for a little over a month. That's NUTS to be thinking THAT far ahead. And there has been a couple times where I swear to god he was about to drop the L bomb. I dont know about all that...ugh. Scary...

Anyways, Im tired of writing. So Im outro!

Wow, it's been a while since I've posted something. I've been so busy this quarter, I havent really had much time to do anything.

I woke up this morning and it was snowing like a mofo! Ugh, the first 2 weeks of snow is pretty cool...but it gets really tiring after a while. Im tired of walking to class in the snow, scared Im going to eat it in front of a bunch of people. Ohhhh wait, I already did that this weekend walking from 19th back to Megans place. Dang it. Im walking, and next thing I know, Im face first on the ice. I had a nice cut on my hand too. Pretty cool.

I had a good weekend. Friday night I hung out with my friends Ryab and Steve. God I miss those boys. If I could, I would hang out w/them every night of the week. They're awesome. Since Jimmy was off at the bars (again), I had time to go out and chill w/them without feeling guilty. Saturday, me, Jimmy, my roommate Elyssa, and Jimmy's roommates and Megan went to a couple parties. I got trashed...I didn't mean to. They told me to drink something called an Irish Car Bomb...so I did. Yeah, that hit me like a ton of bricks. It's part Guiness and a shot of Baileys Irish creme. It was really good but I didn't think 1 would be enough to knock me out. Yeah, definetly was. Oh well.

I've had an interesting week though. I was named chairman for the International Winterfest at EYC. Thats going to be a lot of work but a TON of fun...and good experience. Then I had a little medical mishap...I have the same pains in my stomach as I had may-july. Crap. So now Im going through a bunch of other tests to see what's going on. Ugh...I have an ultrasound tomorrow..and then I go see a GI specialist sometime soon. Pain....in....the....BUTT.

My mom is having a procedure done tomorrow. Im really really nervous. Shes getting some nodules tested to see if it's malignant or benign. Im going to die if she has cancer again. I don't know how Im going to handle it if she does. It KILLS me to know Im going to be here while she's at home and there isnt anything I can do about anything. Ugh.

Well...I need to work on my math project so I'll update this later...

Im beginning to think that I am doomed with all relationships. Maybe I should just become a nun?

Or maybe Matt was right. Am I too insecure about myself to stay single? I don't THINK thats the case...but why did I jump into something that Im not too sure if I was ready for. Especially with someone I didn't know too well?

Im so tired of being ditched for the bars or for him to go out drinking EVERY night. Im tired of getting a call at 1am to go over to his house to stay the night. Im tired of feeling obligated to go because I don't want to make him upset if I don't.

Why can't I just have the kind of relationship that any other normal person seems to have?

My first relationship was a bust...

My second relationship was worse than that...

And now things are already weird with Jimmy and I feel like Im dating an alcoholic.

...ugh. What did I get myself into?

FUUUUCCCK. Not again...

I had a fabulous break!!! I thought the 2nd half of break was going to suck...but it really didn't. Jimmy left for Japan on the 21st so from then on I've been having fun with my friends from home. Im back in the Burg now...which I'm VERY thankful for. I got SO bored that it wasn't even funny.

I don't really know how things with Jimmy are going to turn out. There's one thing thats already bothering me and it's nothing that I want to deal with. But we'll see how things go when he comes back and I get to see him. I've realised after 10 days of not talking to or seeing Jimmy, that I couldn't ever do a long distance relationship. I miss him...but I don't miss him as much as I did. I got used to him being gone and it really shouldnt be like that. I hope things work out well for us...I wouldnt get into a relationship with him if I didnt want them to work out. He's a great guy...but I dunno. Im skeptical. And I know it's because of Matt. I just don't want to get fucked with again. That was NOT fun.

Speaking of Matt...I told him what I had done and he went ballistic. Rightfully so...but dang. He wants me to die. Heh. Weird. He sent me a really mean email. I didn't really think anything of it until he said that he would be happy if I died. Thats kind of going over the line a bit. However, when I read that...not a single ounce of remorse went through me. I regretting telling her at first...but now I don't. Im glad she knows. He shouldnt be able to get away with something like that. He fucked with 2 girls hearts for a long time...and he got what he deserved.

....im going to continue this later...i have to go!

Things have been going really well! The next 12 days are going to suck because Jimmy is going to be in Japan but Im sure I'll manage. It'll be fine though...we don't get to talk but we'll still have emailing. I think....but I'll get back to that later.

So I told Matt what I did. He was furious. Understandably...but still kinda scary. I didn't think anything of his email. And I feel bad that I dont mind that he hates me. I have mixed feelings about this. I know I shouldnt have emailed her even though I was pressured into it...but in a way, I don't really regret it. I regret hurting him and making him upset. But I don't know. Thinking about it, she had a right to know...and if I was going to say anything, I should have told her sooner. Actually HE should have told her. I know I screwed up what MIGHT have been a friendship w/him and I...but I think it might be better this way. I wont have to worry about the possibility of feelings coming back, because now I know they never will.

He brought some things to my attention though. He said he thought I was insecure and that I always needed a boyfriend. I don't really count Daryl as a real boyfriend because that was freshman year in HS crap...so all in all, I've had only had 2 REAL boyfriends my whole life. Matt and Andrew. (until Jimmy, of course). While yes, I feel more comfortable in a relationship than when Im single...but I also really like being single. I dont HAVE to be in a relationship.

He also pointed out that I was supposedly clingy. But really...how would anyone NOT be clingy if someone messed w/your feelings for 10 months? He was hot one day...cold the next. I didn't know what to do. I guess I've learned from that though.

Since I am in a relationship now, I feel like I've learned and grown A LOT from my last relationship. I'm going to stick up for myself and let him know when something is bothering me. Instead of letting it fester up until I burst out in tears like I did w/Matt and Andrew. Im going to do my own things w/out him around...because I don't want to be "clingy"...or whatever the hell what I was doing was. I'm not going to ditch out on any of my friends because I'd like to keep the ones I have now. The girls are awesome..and my guy friends are incredible. I'd like to NOT lose them because of a guy.

Since I was messed with for 10 months, and then repremanded and made fun by him in his last email for falling in love w/him...I'd rather not go through that. I don't just fall in love with anyone. But if I do end up falling for Jimmy...I will never be the first to say. The one time I say it...I get messed with. I don't want to put myself out there that far yet.

But yeah...Jimmy is a really great guy. Treats me like a princess. He met my parents yesterday and I met his mom and sister today. Theyre very very nice people. He drove all the way to Eatonville to see me...drove to Auburn to meet me and then drove to Puyallup to meet me. So today I followed him back to Bellevue to his house to hang out. We went to Belle Square and walked around for a bit, got hungry so we went to Sushi Land (which was kinda weird but thats ok...) and then went and took a nap at his place for a while. Weird, right? So before I left we went and got coffee...and then I headed out. Now he's going to Japan for 12 days. Ugh. Lame. It's ok though...Im sure he'll have a blast. And it's only 12 days...were going to be back in school in no time! Im really looking forward to my classes too. They'll be a ton of fun!

But Im tired and I need to go to bed so Im going to update this more later. Buenos noches!

Life couldnt be more perfect right now. Well, I mean besides that I could definetly use a job but other than that...everything is great. Im finally home for break. My computers fan had broken so I havent been able to post for a while because my computer would get too hot and then turn itself off within 10 minutes or so.

I spent about a week and a couple days from break with Jimmy. That was really nice. We were both supposed to go home on Thursday but my car would have never made it over the pass. Jimmy's would have but he didn't want me to go over alone because he knew the pass was going to be bad yesterday too. So he stayed behind me the whole time to make sure I was okay. It took me about 6 hours to get home yesterday...between the pass and the stop light outages in Puyallup. SUCKED. But it's ok...it was worth staying an extra day. I had fun w/Jimmy.

So...as of a couple days ago, Jimmy and I are official. He's great. He really is. Pretty sure he would do basically anything for me...and he thinks Im perfect. We were sitting there watching a movie the other day...and during it, he kept staring at me. After the movie he was like, "Do you ever wonder why I always just sit and look at you?". And I was like, "uhm, yeah kinda"...and he was like, "You're just really pretty and I love looking at you". AHHH!!! Yay! He's REALLY super sweet to me. There are a lot of things that Im not used to about our relationship though. Im not really sure how to respond when he calls me beautiful or whatever. Ive never really heard that too much. I mean, Matt said it every so often...but I never really got used to it. We were laying in bed one night just talking and he was like, "You know, I don't want to freak you out or anything, but I don't think I've ever been this comfortable with anyone before...I just think were really compatible." It was nice to hear something like that. And it's only been a day since we havent seen eachother...and he called me today and wants to see me. So he's driving all the way from Bellevue to Puyallup to come with me to Chelsey and Davids. Were probably going to get drunk and then pass out there. Ahhh...I dunno. Im just really happy right now. FINALLY!!! (not that I wasnt happy before...)

Buuuttt in worse news...I think I did something REALLY stupid the other day. So, I went to Hillary's to drink with her and some other people and I managed to get really drunk. We were talking about relationships...past and present...and Matt came up. And how he came to visit. Well, someone suggested that I email the other girl and tell her what happened. So me, being the dumbass that I am, took her advice...because I was bitter at the time and thought that it would be a good idea. So I emailed her to let her know that he came to visit me for the weekend and that he strung me along for a while and blah blah blah....so I wake up in the morning, not remembering this..and I have a message in my inbox from her. I read it and instantly was like, "oh fuck...what did I do". But she told me that she was glad I told her, but she had no interest in him prior or after the date they went on. And that she was glad that she no longer felt bad for not liking him anymore. So I emailed her back and apologised and told her I shouldve kept my mouth shut and some other things to kind of stick up for Matt...because what I did was REALLY vindictive, even though I was drunk, but no excuse. But she emailed me and told me that she wasnt going to hang out with him and warned me that she sent him an email telling him that she didn't want to hang out or talk anymore or something. So, Im sure Im going to get an email from him telling me Im a bitch, either never hear from him again, or get an angry IM. I feel really bad...but I guess I didn't really do anything to fuck things up for him since she didn't like him in the first place. I just ended things faster for her is all. I guess it's alright though. She also said that she's glad I stuck up for myself because what he was doing to us was messed up. I WANTED to be his friend but Im pretty sure I messed that up. Oh well. He doesnt really talk to me anymore anyways. But I do genuinely feel bad. I'll understand if he doesnt talk to me again...but really, it should be ME who never wants to talk to him again. Oh well :-\

Anyways, Im off to was up for dinner and get ready to go to Chelsey and David's. YAY!

I love break. and I missed my mountain...oh how I love the west side!

ps- going to Bellevue sometime this week and going to Sushi Land w/Jimmy! Yay!

So I talked to Jimmy last night. I finally asked him what we were and told him that I don't want to rush into anything. Basically, were going in stages. From hanging out, to seeing eachother, to dating, to in a relationship. And we've come to the conclusion that were now seeing eachother. Which is pretty cool to me!

He did something really sweet for me today. He was at work and he called and asked if I had eaten yet. When I said no, he told me not to and that he was "bringing home" dinner. So what did he bring me? Sushi! Haha...my favorite food ever. So cute. I think it's kinda silly that were planning out the "stages". With the way things are going right now, were going to eventually be in a relationship. We already act and treat eachother like were in a relationship. Cute little messages, hanging out 24/7, staying the night w/eachother (without having to worry about sex...). I dunno. It's really nice. We were talking the other day and he's like, "ya know, it's nice hanging out with you because now I don't go spend all my money at the bars!" haha...and then he's like, "even though Im going to end up spending my money on you anyways and treating you like a princess". AHHH!!! So cute. And I think he's called me beautiful/pretty more times than I've heard this whole year, which I LOVE. And he doesn't wanna move quickly into sex. AH! Yay! I dunno, I REALLY like where everything is going with this. If I get fucked over, it's going to suck. Bad. But I really don't see that happening.

There's a couple things that bug me though. Now I have trust issues because all the guys I've dated have either cheated on me or have had another girl on the side. What makes him any different? Im not a jealous person but dang. And the bar scene...I dunno. I don't want to get jealous. It's no fun for either parties. But I hope all works out though..I like him a bunch. Hopefully he'll give me a different view on guys. Maybe that they arent all cheaters and backstabbers. That'd be nice.

Anyways, Im going to go watch some Lost with Hillary. Yayyer!!!

Soooo...everything with Jimmy right now is a complete whirlwind. He is absolutely adorable. Seriously. THE sweetest guy I've ever met. He asked me to go to dinner with him this weekend so Im pretty excited about that. I was confused so I asked him if it was an actual date and he was like, "of course it is, I don't just take out random beautiful girls to dinner every night". Awwww...

I dunno. Everything is going so well...It's too bad that in a week, we'll be away. I hope Im not getting my hopes up. That would definetly be no good. I like him though...he treats me really well. But then again, it's only been a week or so...so Im still a bit skeptical. Every boyfriend I've had before has started out nice...but then ended up being not so nice. Hopefully I can break tradition. I mean, I don't think were "official" quite yet...but I know were definetly exclusive.

Anyways...Im sick and tired...so I think I might go chill on my couch. Lateerrrr

CLASSES ARE OFFICIALLY OVER!!!!

I am SO excited. Last weekend was one of the best weekends I've had in a LONG time. No stress, fun...ugh. Yeah. SO fun!

Friday night I went to a party and Jimmy was there...so then I went out with Jimmy and his friends. Lucky for me, Carlos decided to come or I would've felt really awkward. But I had another encounter with the police while I was drunk. Jesse, brilliant boy that he is, threw a snowball into the water to try and break the ice...so the policeman pulled over and asked what he was doing. Then Tim, Jimmy's friend was carrying a 40 around with him. So he got carded...and Carlos told me to pretend I was his girlfriend. I didn't have my ID on me anyways so I would've said I was 22 or something. But I wasnt freaking out or trying to get away so he didn't say a word to me. Thank goodness. But we went from T-park, to B street, to Stonebrook and then finally ended up at Chestnut. I got drug into a beer pong game right when I got there...pretty dang cool. I ended up getting really drunk. John MacClean was there...he was hitting on me the whole time. He tried to hold my hand too...that was quite weird. Jimmy was there eyeing him the whole time. I talked to him the other day and he said he shouldve interveined by coming up to me and pulling me close to him. Not that I would really mind though...not gunna lie.

Afterwards we went back to Jimmy's....I was REALLY drunk and Jimmy offered me water. So what did I do? I grabbed another beer. Good one, Nikki! Haha...so then we went to bed and when I woke up...I had a HORRIBLE hang over. Freaking beer. Holy cow.

Buuuttt Saturday night I went back out. Ashley came over at about 630 and we starting drinking margarita's...those fucked us up by 8. Then Carlos brought beer over to my place so we drank even more. Then we got the bright idea to go drunk bowling. Man...I fucking SUCKED! It was a lot of fun though...would've been better had Jimmy been there but that's ok. So...then we went and got MORE beer and went to Carlos's and played a bunch of drinking games. Jimmy came over around midnight or so...and then we went to a party in Brooklane...of which I don't remember too much of. I remember Josh calling me and wanting to come hang out w/us. So I told him where the party was but by the time he got there we were leaving...so he followed us back to Carlos's and we hung out there with them. The girls came back with Jack in the Box...of which I don't rememeber. So the girls got back, ate, and then left...so then Josh left so it was just me, Jimmy and Carlos. Carlos pulled out the bed in the couch...so I went and passed out there..and I THOUGHT Jimmy had passed out on the other couch or had left or something...so I woke up with an arm around me. I freaked out because I thought it was Carlos for some reason....so I pulled away. Haha...but then I woke up...and BAM! It was Jimmy. Haha...I woke up still drunk...Ashley mistook her shoes for mine. But I didn't have a hang over! I should have though...I was WAY more drunk that night than the night before.

Sunday was nice and chill though. Elyssa, my new roommate came with me to a party on Airport road. We didnt drink though...but we got bored so we went to Jack in the Box. Haha...she's SUPER cool. I really like her. We get along really well. But we came back and hung out...and I went to bed around 1...and then Jimmy calls and asks me to come get him from the bars. I had told him earlier in the day that I would and that he could stay the night. So I went and got him and he stayed the night. Oh man...he was SO drunk. I was a good girl and didn't do anything though. I REALLY wanted to...but Im not going to put out to anyone Im not with. Especially if they are drunk and Im not. That's just "taking advantage of the drunk guy"...even thought we have been a "thing" since the day we got back from Thanksgiving. I don't even know what we are.

But today was really good...took my last 2 finals!!! YAYYER! SO glad to be done. Then I hung out w/the gang for a couple hours...came home, talked to Jimmy for a bit...and then I said I was going to go take a nap and he asked if he could come take a nap with me. So...he came over for the sole purpose of taking a nap with me. Didn't try anything else...not a damn thing. Ugh...freaking awesome. Kind of sucks that break is coming up...but Im staying an extra week to stay with him. Plus Im sick and my dad doesnt want me coming home to get anyone else sick. My mom just had a procedure today so I DONT need to get her sick.

But now that I've written my novel, Im going to go take a shower. Niiighhtt...